Forgive, Forego, and Forget

In that order.

The order is important. You can’t truly forego anything without forgiving. If you don’t truly forego, you can’t forget. So first forgive, then forego and lastly forget.

Confused? Let me explain.

Imagine a difficult situation. A trusted colleague went behind your back and badmouthed you to your boss and confiscated the promotion that was rightfully yours. You feel betrayed and humiliated. You fume and pledge revenge. Soon you are tossing in your bed at 3 AM, sharpening the words you hope to say to her face, but know you never will.

If you take a moment to step away from your emotions and look at yourself, you feel ridiculous. All your energy is trapped by something that someone did some time ago. You yearn for peace. But you can’t even glimpse it. If you could just run away from your mind, you would. But the shadow of malignant thoughts follows you even into your shower.

The way to escape this emotional turmoil is this ‘For’ triad mantra: Forgive, Forego, and Forget.

Go back to the first paragraph for a second.

Does it make better sense now?

Read on if you feel like breaking this down further.

Forgive

This is the hardest part.

Our ancestral brain is wired to keep a meticulous record — a ledger book — of other’s actions. We need to do this for the good old tit for tat. We’ll wait for the right moment, then ‘tat the tit’.

Evolutionary biologists believe that this strategy shaped human civilization. To survive in the Stone Age, retaliation was necessary to resist exploitation.

Hence the ledger. However, this has a terrible disadvantage: the tiresome process of ledger keeping. You spend lots of energy recording, safeguarding, and referring to a ledger book in your brain of all the good and bad others did to you. This is draining.

Forgiveness, explained simply, is the act of dumping the ledger in the river of time. This gives you freedom from the burden.

Studies on forgiveness found that it is linked to higher well-being across cultures, even reducing stress and risk of chest pains and sudden death in cardiac patients.

But how to do away with the ingrained ledger in our brains?

It is not easy. One method is to trick our minds with some techniques.

One technique was taught by Jesus, on the cross. Instead of blaming the crucifiers, he saw the violence as an act of ignorance. Thus he prayed for their forgiveness. You can also use this technique effectively.

Think of it thus. If your toddler throws a tantrum and, while you were trying to console her, hits you hard across the face, what would you do? Will you hit her back?

No sane parent would do that. They know the limitations of a toddler, and out of love for her, they’d let that go. Try this with your enemy. Take the high road and see their actions as projections of their ignorance. Then you can forgive.

Forego

After the almost impossible process of forgiving, you need to let go. How you let go depends on the situation. If it is an abusive partner, walk away. If it’s a unchangeable circumstance, surrender your tendency to control. If it is a toxic environment, stop returning to it.

But mostly, it is not the outside world that you have to forego, but your internal reaction to it.

Many a time, your emotions are your greatest foe. You have to relinquish your deep despair, need for perfect closure, or the yearning for vengeance. Once you release them, research proves that you will find emotional healing and reduced stress.

Start by acknowledging your feelings. Journaling works well. Once you write down your emotions, you open a valve that lets the steam off. If you still feel bothered, open up to a good friend or consider therapy.

These techniques will help you let go and prepare you for closure.

Forget

Many forgive, but few forget.

Instead of dumping the ledger in the river of time, most people smuggle it back. When a situation arises, they conjure up the ledger book and read the entries out loud, effectively tormenting themselves and others around them.

If we really want to let go and find peace, we need to forget. Give yourself time to get over the situation. But actively try to forgive and forego; this will help you forget.

So there you have it, the divine mantra to find your peace and move on from the hurting situations in your life.

But a word of caution: use the mantra to forgive, not to avoid. Some are too meek to speak out for their rights. So they keep quiet. This is not mercy. You need to fight for your rights, walk away from abusive situations, and quit oppressive work environments. Don’t mistake forgiveness for complacency.

As for your back-stabbing colleague, use this mantra to come to terms with her deception. Thus you don’t have to carry the open wounds around. But when you share something about your personal life during your lunch, make sure she is not around.

The next time someone spites you, take a deep breath. Repeat the triad as a mantra for peace:

“AUM

I forgive my foes.

I forego my woes.

And forget the blows.

Shanti, shanti, shanti.”

Because revenge may be best served cold — but you’ll burn your hands carrying it until it cools.