They say travelling expands your horizons. But for me, a missed vacation did the same.

Yes, I’ll tell you that story.

Last week I planned a vacation. Taking a couple of days off from work, I got ready to travel to Idukki — a picturesque hill station in Kerala. I dreamt of the mist-filled tea gardens unraveling as my motorcycle revved through the rain-drenched hairpin bends. Excited, I packed a bag and, as soon as the workday ended, jumped on my motorcycle.

But to my dismay, I found that I had a flat rear tyre. To fix it, I had to wait till the next morning. I returned home with a deflated heart and smouldering frustration.

The next day, there was a news flash: a landslide ripped through Idukki, destroying houses and sweeping away roads.

My frustration from the day before transformed into relief and gratitude.

That morning I noticed our short-sightedness. Setbacks, in whatever form they come, are a hard pill to swallow. When we have to, we get uncomfortable, even choke. Frustrated, we grumble at the great prankster hiding behind the sky.

Yes, it is only human to react this way. But do we really need to pass judgment on every situation before we know the whole story?

Don’t judge the day so early

Imagine you are a big fan of the movie ‘Shawshank Redemption’. You were astonished when you found out at the watercooler that your close friend has not seen the movie. Naturally, you strongly recommend it for her weekend. She agrees.

On the weekend, you are excitedly waiting for her response after the movie. How would you feel if she switched off the movie after fifteen minutes, complaining that the beginning is ‘bleak and depressing’?

Oh my God! Right?

But before we complain about her impatience, we need to look at ourselves. Most of us tend to judge like this friend. Without waiting for events to unfold, we often lament and suffer.

Maybe it’s for the best

Not every impediment is a failure. Like in a movie, the setback might be a setup for an exciting story. Seen thus, our perspective towards the difficult event may completely change.  

In my native language, Malayalam, there is an idiom: ‘Missed the eye and hit the eyebrow.’

I have to admit, as a kid, I was not impressed when my parents recited this. I might’ve fallen from the bicycle and hurt myself. My mom usually recited the idiom in her sing-songy way while I expected a consoling kiss. I’d feel my pain was being belittled.

However, I started to see some truth in it as I grew up, specifically during my college days. I was not happy to go to the college where I was admitted, because I was convinced that another college was better. But I narrowly missed its list of selected candidates.

Within months, however, I understood that my priority list was wrong. With many activities, great friends, and a beautiful campus, my college was a better fit for me.

This shift in viewpoint had a highly positive effect on me. I even felt lucky. Long story short, I had the most memorable 4 years of my life at the college.

It is not to say that disasters don’t strike or that everything is for the best. Surely some events and losses strike us like lightning and leave us stranded. The problem is that we imagine lightning in every flash.

Change in perspective

We are preprogrammed with what psychologists call a negativity bias. That is, our minds weigh negatives more than positives. Evolutionary biologists joke that this is because we are the descendants of the cowardly prehistoric ancestor who took off at the sound of rustling leaves. The brave one who didn’t care was relished by the tiger that snuck up on him and couldn’t pass on his genes.

These ‘cowardly genes’ helped our forest-dwelling forefathers survive. But for city-dwelling modern humans, it is poorly suited. However, the ancient alarm system is still active. It seeks and exaggerates threats, making life stressful.

The key to a peaceful modern life is to pacify this threat-detection system. There are many pacifying methods like meditation, mindfulness and so on. Another effective method is reframing.

We can do this by flipping the script. Psychologists call this process cognitive reappraisal. In simple terms, adopt the perspective of ‘missed the eye and hit the eyebrow’. This effectively reminds us that it could have been worse. It may prevent our drama-queen mind from overreacting.

Once the movie unravels, we may be able to see the importance of the particularly challenging scene.

Don’t review the movie early

We have the power to make our life a heaven or a hell. This power rests mostly on the stories we tell about our life experiences. The more positive the story, the more blessed we feel.

So I like to think that the flat tyre saved me from the catastrophe. Maybe I would have safely crossed the danger zone if I had started in time. I will never know. But the first perspective, which was not my first response, makes me feel blessed. It fills me with joy.

Like our friend in the story, we are eager to rate every experience in life poorly. Maybe it is our threat detection system seeing lightning strike where there is just a flash.

So the next time your car breaks down, don’t throw your hands in the air and give up on life. Rather wait. With time, you may see that it leads to something surprisingly beautiful.

Then you might remember to put one hand on your happy heart and say, “I am happy that it hit the eyebrow”.

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